Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Terry's "Bachelor" recap

Its Monday night and Andy is wookin pah nub in all the wrong places - on a reality TV show. Six remain, four roses, who will be left standing in this shortened by 15 minute show? Lets find out during this evenings Bachelor Running Diary.

:03 - Group date as Andy takes the women out on the boat "Stuggots." Evidently Tony Soprano owed Andy some money after betting that Randy Moss wouldn't get traded to the Patriots.

:08 - Envy rears its ugly head as Bevin grabs Andy for some alone time and the other women don't like it. I don't have a problem with it and if I'm Andy I'd actually be impressed. This is a competition right? Show me love baby, yeah!

:14 - Stephanie gets a one-on-one date with Stephanie and there's drinking involved. Unfortunately this could be the most boring date involving alcohol I have ever seen. Tasting wine, making a blend wine and flinging paint to make a label should be fun but it only leads to fake laughter, boring chit chat and shallow conversation. Buh bye Stephanie!

:17 - Uh, oh. Bevin just confessed that she's divorced. If Andy doesn't like virgins (remember the woman from the first episode), he certainly won't be up for playing the role of Husband #2 in "Days of our Bevin".

:21 - Bevin admits feeling "like a complete idiot" about her age and desperate about competing with women who are younger than her. Thank you! That's right, I called this a few weeks ago. I have now legally changed my name to Terstradamus.

:26 - Time for Andy to put on his Jimmy Carter humanitarian hat as he has the women help him clean up a playground for Kindergartners. Former Kindie teacher Arnold Schwarzenegger taunts Andy by yelling at him "Look at the girlie man and his puny biceps, he couldn't even lift up Nancy-boy Chris Harrison!"

:36 - The tear jerking moment of tonight's episode comes early as Andy says, "They didn't know there were 30 Kindergartners waiting inside their classroom waiting to come out and play on what we have created." Andy, are you serious? Do you know how hard it is to keep one 5 year old quiet let alone thirty?!?! Of course, the women act surprised and do their best to act like they give a crap.

:39 - All of the women are working these kids so hard there must have been some kind of child labor law that was violated. The worst offender? Bevin, who was trying soooo hard to look like she cared about kids I worried about their safety. Put the girl down Bevin, and no one gets hurt. Yes...we know you care about kids and would be a great Mom, just put her down!

:44 - Andy goes all out for his one-on-one with Tessa. He brings his ABC owned $250K Saleen car, about $1 million worth of jewelry and stops by some fancy store to rent Tessa a dress. You know, kind of like high school prom.

:48 - Andy seems to enjoy the whole chase thing with Tessa, which would explain why he's attracted to someone who doesn't really seem too into the reality show scene. She seems the most real of all the women left so I guess it makes sense. That being said, Andy seems more into her than she is into him. This, of course, is the complete opposite with him and Bevin. My money's on Bevin. Why? Guys like women who pay attention to them, so while "the chase" has Andy intrigued, if Tessa doesn't come around why would Andy choose her when he can have someone's undivided attention. Gaah!!! I did it again! Strategizing "The Bachelor"? Someone please help me!

:56 - 1:03 - Rose Ceremony cocktail party time. Here's what we learn: Andy appreciates that Bevin is into him (duh), Tina needs to show Andy some "affection" so that he knows she really likes him (gotta give the guy a little play), Tessa's play it cool act has Andy wrapped around her finger, Danielle (despite having the least camera time in "Bachelor" history) still has Andy interested, Stephanie doesn't dream enough for Andy so he gives her a prescription for Ambien.

1:07 - Rose Ceremony time. Terstradamus predicts Tina and Stephanie are going home. Tina doesn't put out and Stephanie needs a couple of years to come up with some dreams besides leaving Kansas and finding a doctor to marry.

1:10 - The best moment of the night as Andy has to be reminded by The Count, aka Chris Harrison, that he has only 1 rose left. Um, yeah. Thanks for the help there Chris. I wouldn't have been able to count down from FOUR without you.

1:11 - Once again Terstradamus has been proven correct as Tina and Stephanie are nicely told by Chris Harrison to pack their sh** and get the hell out. Too bad my powers don't translate to anything useful like the lottery or the stock market.

1:12 - Preview of next weeks episode as the four remaining women take Andy home to meet their parents (or in Amber's case, to sit at a playground while her parents embarrass their daughter), should be interesting. We are also blessed with a "the most dramatic finale ever" cliche from Chris Harrison. Finally!

Quick recap - Problems so far with this season. 1. Not enough drinking. 2. No one really conniving woman to make things interesting. 3. No hooking up to help make the other women jealous 4. Andy has about as much personality as a cactus. 5. Not nearly enough Chris Harrison cliches.

Top 3 Bachelorettes Most Likely to Win Andy
1. Tessa - She remains the front runner despite not being particularly attractive and having no discernable skills besides playing hard to get.
2. Bevin - The woman most likely to sleep with Andy in order to get to the final two.
3. Amber - If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. Teachers always go far in this show.


At 8:30 AM, May 01, 2007, Blogger Jen said...

unfortunately, i watched this debacle of a tv show up until the rose ceremony last night. no judgement!!! it's all tessa, all the way to the altar. that man is in wuv - sticky, ooey gooey wuv. it was written all over his face during their "prom" date. let's just cut to the final rose ceremony now, shall we?


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