Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Terry's Bachelor recap

Monday night, Bachelor night.

Not the best night for drinking but it's a requirement for watching this show.

Let's recap where we are up to this point: Andy has gone through 25 women like Donald Trump goes through hairspray and is now down to 3. The finalists? A divorcee (who also probably has a kid or two that she forgot to mention), an Easter Island Statue model and a 35-year old who isn't quite over her dead boyfriend are what Andy has to choose from. Last week Andy visited the bachelorettes hometowns and now its the remaining girls turn to see where he lives. Crummy weather, lousy sunshine and terribly bright blue skies, Hawaii. I lived in Hawaii for 3 years (my dad was in the military) so I'm hoping to see the typical sites most tourists expect - hula dancers, surfers, famous Magnum P.I. locales and Bobby Brady getting jinxed by a tiki idol.

:03 - Andy "back home" in Hawaii. I thought he was from Pennsylvania? Now who can't be trusted?!? The show starts off with Andy dressed in his white Navy uniform greeting Bevin at the USS Arizona memorial. Nothing gets a date more excited than World War II history. I think I missed the part where he explains where Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett filmed their "Pearl Harbor" scenes.

:08 - Andy now welcomes 35-year old Danielle (who again looks totally different, this woman is a chameleon) to the USS Arizona. My wife points out the military music in the background and I finally catch on with the theme of what's going on after Tessa comes out. Andy's giving the women a taste of what Navy life would be like if the women married him. You know, lots of underwater cemetary tours.

:15 - Andy on Kaui (where "Lost" is filmed) having an "exotic" date with Tessa which includes zip lining, bridge crossing and moderate drinking. During the night, The Others show up and drag Tessa away making his final two selection for him.

:18 - Hey Tessa? What do you do if a shark attacks you? "You punch it in the face!" she tells Andy. The Amazing Tessa - social worker, Andy tease, shark bully.

:25 - Andy, dressed as John Travolta from "Saturday Night Fever", offers Tessa the chance to stay in the Fantasy Suite with him tonight. "Fantasy Suite" is Bachelor slang for "Andy wants to get some action and we need a ratings boost so please go with him because your virtue is irrelevant". Tessa says yes?!? What about the previews that have been airing for a week where she hesitates?!? What happened to that?!? I've been duped by some clever ABC editing.

:28 - I'm disappointed by the "Fantasy Suite" as Andy and Tessa walk through it. It just looks like a normal hotel room. With the exception of the flower petals on the bed, it looks like the Kaui Holiday Inn. Where's the stripper pole? How about some velvet paintings, a mirror over the bed, or one of those hanging chair thingies?

:31 - Danielle and Andy going out on a boat and I've decided that since, once again, I don't recognize Danielle that she doesn't exist. She's played by a different actress every episode.

:33 - While dolphin watching on the catmaran Danielle breaks the reality TV record by saying "Oh My God" seven times in 45 seconds.

:35 - Cue pensive music, wait for it...wait for it...YES! Here comes another dead boyfriend conversation. Wasn't this in college for you Danielle? That was at least 14 years ago for you right? Get over it! After all, the psychic told you he wasn't the one anyway.

:36 - Another "Oh My God" from Danielle as the sun sets and the "Officer and Gentleman" theme plays in the background. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

:38 - Matt Meister from Channel 13 working his tail off with his THIRD weather update for the night. Good job Matt!

:40 - Andy puts Danielle to the test as he brings out his psychic friend to deal poker for the two of them. Danielle believes every word Miss Cleo says which can only lead Andy to one conclusion - Danielle can be easily manipulated.

:44 - Fantasy Suite offer for Danielle. Which is the Bachelor producers way of saying, "Hey Danielle, why not prove to Andy you're REALLY over your dead boyfriend by staying the night with the bachelor?"

:46 - 1:30 - Gaah!!! Chief meterologist Matt Meister kicks Andy off the air and leaves us all hanging until ABC loads up tonight's episode on abc.com sometime tomorrow. Since I can't sit through another 7 episode reloads on abc.com (that's what you get for something that's FREE) like I had to do the last time I watched The Bachelor on their website, I'm going to make some predictions now, even though I didn't get to see the Bevin date.

Prediction #1 - Bevin is sent home. The dates I saw with Tessa and Danielle went way too well, there's no way Bevin could match them. Going last after two successful dates puts too much pressure on her and she starts to feel desperate, something that scares men to death. She really blows her chances by "accidentally" telling Andy about the kid she had at 15 that she gave up for adoption, her unusual addiction Elmer's School glue and her 1999 arrest for stalking David Letterman.

Prediction #2 - In tonight's rose ceremony, Chris Harrison lost count of how many roses that were left to be handed out and leaves a confused Andy Baldwin staring at a rose-less Bevin for a very uncomfortable 45 minutes.

Prediction #3 - Matt Meister set a new record for most consecutive minutes of air time by a local TV weatherman.



At 10:33 AM, May 15, 2007, Blogger Eli the Mad Man said...

Funny funny stuff. I do like how you write Terry.

Still... Man Card - REJECTED! ;)


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