Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Terry's Bachelor recap

Ooops! I missed the Bachelor last night. Evidently my Tivo is smarter than me as it chose to record Heroes and The Riches instead of the trevails of Andy Baldwin and his bevy of babes. Good thing shows them for free. I'll have to talk to Tivo about not following orders.

:02 - Another painfully long recap of what's happened up to this point. Of course they get longer as the show has more episodes. Are these really necessary? Is someone out there thinking "Hey, I missed the first four episodes of the Bachelor. I hope I can catch up!" Only losers like myself.

:03 - "Four women, three roses...who's dream of marrying an officer and a gentleman ends tonight?" Yes! Our first Chris Harrison cliche and we're only at the 3 minute mark! I have high hopes for this episode. Wouldn't it be great if Chris narrated your life? As Terry stands at the beer cooler at Cheers Liquormart...(dramatic pause)...he faces the most difficult decision of his life!

:05 - As Andy reviews the 4 remaining women he carries on about how great Tessa is and how she is someone he wants to "Woo". That's right, woo. Does that turn you on ladies? He also notes Ambers age (too young) and how mature and together the other women are. That what we in the writing biz call, foreshadowing.

:07 - "Four women, three roses...who's dream of marrying an officer and a gentleman ends tonight?"
Cliche count -2

:08 - First home visit to Seattle with Bevin. Says Andy, "I'm in heaven when I'm with Bevin"
Dorky Andy saying count -1

:10 - Bevin starts to drop the bomb about her teen marriage with "we've all had pasts before". The look on Andy's face says "Oh no! Not genital warts!" Finding out she's only divorced will be a relief.

:12 - Andy seems to take the news okay but we're led to commercial by our good friend Chris Harrison with this gem, "will Bevin regret putting her heart on the line."
Cliche count - 2

:14 - Andy visits Bevin's family. They seem to get along great but who cares about that, they have a kickin house! If it didn't rain 364 days a year, I'd consider moving to Seattle.

:18 - This is weird, this actually seems like a real date. Right down to the mother giving the weird picture to Andy and the hot sister basically ripping off Andy's clothes with her eyes. Happened to me on all my first visits to a girlfriends house.

:19 - Andy: "I have to trust that true love will prevail". I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Dorky Andy Cunningham saying count - 2

:20 - Chris Harrison comes through again - "four women, three roses...who will go home broken hearted?"
Cliche count - 3

:23 - A visit with Danielle in Connecticut. Danielle's dad looks like Keanu Reeves father in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

:25 - Danielle's family date ends, unfortunately they don't show the shrine in the basement to the dead college boyfriend. Take it away Chris, "Three roses, four woman's dream of marrying an officer and a gentleman ends tonight!"
Cliche count - 4

:28 - Andy visits Tessa's family in snowy Washington DC. We also finally get a Colorado connection as Tessa's best friend lives in Denver. Yeah!

:32 - The second Tessa leaves the room Andy gets the Spanish Inquisition. Gee, I wonder if Tessa set that up for her sister and her best bud? Did I just write the word "gee"? I guess Andy's rubbing off on me.

:35 - Andy turns the tables and asks a legitimate question of Tessa's friends and family - Is she in it for real or just for fun? Given the fact that she doesn't really seem all that into Andy (or maybe she's just holding back) its a reasonable question. Its obvious he really likes her but if she can't open up, Andy has to let her go. There's my weekly strategy rant for the week.

:38 - Tessa's date mercifully ends. What a boring and tedious date. I have NO idea what he sees in her. She seems nice and mature but not into him at all. That and she has the head the size of an Easter Island statue. Its huge and never changes expression. We end with, "In the most emotional rose ceremony ever"
Cliche count - 5

:40 - Amber's home date in Texas is off to a bad start. In a display of blatant child abuse, Amber's students come into the room as Andy and Amber make out on a pile of stuffed, oversized footballs. Only the principal of a Texas school would allow their students to be used in a reality TV show like this.

:44 - Andy is left with no family to see as Amber's parents disapprove of her being in a show like this. (Warning!) So Andy gets to meet her roomate, who looks like Nicole Richie and calls her Amby (Warning! Warning!) and her dog that pees on the rug as everyone laughs(Warning! Warning! Warning!). Amber's aunt shows up and Amber is overly excited about it (Red Alert!). I don't care how close to your aunt you are, its not a substitute for your parents. If Andy (a guy worried about maturity and family) isn't scared away by this, he needs his head examined.

: 53 - "four women, three roses...the bachelor sends someone home in the most dramatic rose ceremony yet" Chris Harrison has really stepped up tonight.
Cliche count - 6

:54 - Quick jump to the rose ceremony. My prediction, Amber and her dysfunctional family are out.

:56 - And Amber gets the boot, who would have guessed. Was it her distant relationship with her family, her freaky Nicole Richie roommate, her bladder control challenged dog? How about all of the above.

:58 - Amber, upset that she didn't get a rose says to Andy, "I hope its not because you didn't get to meet my family." Andy replies, "Its not!" Reality says, "It is!"

Fairly decent episode, no real surprise with Amber going home and enough Chris Harrison hyberbole to keep everyone happy. Once again Andy hits the nail on the head with who he cut. Amber was too immature, probably too young for him and not quite stable enough. If the lack of any kind of family structure didn't prove that, than her irrational meltdown in the limo should have. He kept the right three.

Vegas odds on the Bachelorette Most Likely to Win Andy
2:1 Bevin - Seems honest, sincere, in this for the right reasons and most likely to sleep with Andy within the next 2 episodes.
5:1 Danielle - Mystery woman Danielle continues to get roses despite looking like a completely different person (through lack of camera time) every time I see her. Even remembering her name is hard to do.
200:1 Tessa - More wishy washy than Charlie Brown and starting to look like she's emotionally constipated.



At 1:45 PM, May 09, 2007, Blogger The Mad Man said...

Terry... dude. Waaaaaaaaaaay too much info. Get back to playing games! You are THIS close to losing all your street cred. ;)

At 7:43 PM, May 09, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Mad Man is wacked. Andy, keep this up. Besides the local news updates from you- this is the best thing going to on the blog! I laughed my ars off with the Terry comment. And, yes I also have had the younger sister undress me with her eyes. It is freaky and at the same time flattering- if you know what I mean...


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