Terry's Bachelor finale recap

At last, Terry can fulfill his bachelor duties and return to his ordinary manly activities... like needlepoint and shoe shopping:

The Bachelor finale is finally here! Who will Andy choose?!? She's-just-not-that-into-you Tessa, or I-wish-could-quit-you Bevin?

Since Matt Meister took over the show last week, I watched the previous episode on abc.com and was obviously wrong by picking Bevin to go as "Dead Boyfriend Girl" Danielle got the boot.

A couple of other things I wish I had seen last Monday? The soft core porn between Andy and Bevin at the waterfall. Hearing Andy say he has "electricity in his soul" for Bevin (must be painful), Andy performing some sweet drunk hula moves, Bevin saying she "loves" Andy and a visit from Andy's best friend the Great Gatsby (sorry, I couldn't resist).

I'm surprised there's no reunion show. You know, when all of the rejected women get together and rag on each other and complain about how the Bachelor was a player. But I guess Andy's Opie Cunningham demeanor doesn't really lend itself to that kind of show. Anyway, my prediction for tonight - Bevin. After watching last nights episode, I have to say she was impressive.

Enough chit, chat. Lets get it on!

:02 - Chris Harrison during the 5 minute recap, "It's the most romantic season finale ever". Chris still has the gift of hyperbole. The only guy I can think of who has a greater gift for exaggeration is Don King.

:04 - During the short recap of Bevin's "journey" to the final two I noticed she has quite a few tattoos. One on her leg, one on her shoulder and of course, the target on her lower back. I never noticed those before. Is she too much of a wild child for Andy? She suddenly looked like a bit of a party girl. I'm starting to question my choice.

:06 - I fell asleep during the Tessa montage. She's monotone and boring. But so is Andy, so maybe it's a match made in Boringville, PA.

:08 - Andy at home in Lancaster, PA where we meet grandpa, grandma, his sister (who looks like a dude) and his parents. Dad and grandpa are balding, something the women might want to take into consideration.

:15 - Tessa visits Lancaster first. Mom comments on how beautiful Tessa is and says "I was drawn to her right away". Is there something about Andy's mom that Dad doesn't know?

:18 - Tessa stumbles on the "Where do see yourself in 5 years?" question. The correct answer whenever asked that question on this show - married to the Bachelor and knocked up. Know your audience! Play the game!

:26 - It's Bevin's turn. Tough for her going after Tessa and her strong performance. At least she came with flowers and the family has been drinking all afternoon.

:28 - Grandpa taking notes when Bevin mentions that she's studying libido in women going through menopause. Judging from Tessa's visit, Andy's mom has no problems with that and is not a candidate for Bevin's study. Strike one for Bevin.

:30 - Grandpa hits Bevin with the religion question and Bevin says she was raised in the Bai Hai faith. I think I had Bai Hai at a Tai restaurant once. Strike two for Bevin.

:32 - Bevin redeems herself when she's questioned by the sister, the mom and grandpa. She says all the right things and seems more relaxed (and thankfully no one asks her more religion or sex ed questions). Mom even mentions Bevin's beautiful eyes. Hey mom! Would you mind NOT hitting on my potential wives?

:37 - The women are gone and now Andy is doing what all men do when trying to make a big decision - asking his family for advice and thinking things through. Ha! The results? Mom votes for Bevin, Grandpa notices that Andy gets "turned on" by Bevin (creepy), the sister seems to like Tessa (probably because they both look like dudes) and dad and grandma just sit and listen. This of course, leaves Andy (and us viewers) more confused than ever. The lesson? Never ask your family for advice on love.

:48 - Back in Hawaii for one last date with each woman. The last chance for the women to sleep with Andy to earn his vote. Chances Bevin sleeps with Andy? 95%. Tessa? 2%

:57 - After a day of helicopter sight-seeing, we cut to the evening where, as Chris Harrison says, "Bevin lays it all on the line" and tells exactly what I think Andy wants to hear. If she doesn't get picked she will be CRUSHED. The looks and the way Andy kisses her looks different, it actually looks real. Now I'm certain he's going to pick her. At least until the Tessa date.

1:02 - Bevin tells Andy that she loves him and the dude looks like he's about to cry (wuss). He then tells her that he loves her. This contest is over! Get the wedding invitations ready.

1:04 - Andy leaves, Bevin gets no action, leaving Bevin and the audience disappointed.

1: 08 - Tessa's turn. He might as well send her away. She has a snowball's chance in Phoenix of winning this guy.

1:11 - Horseback riding, swimming on an isolated beach and a few Corona's still aren't doing it for Tessa. Andy's just not getting the same kind of intensity with Tessa as he did with Bevin. It's like Tessa is still in the early dating stages and Bevin is ready for something substantial. The conflict for Andy, as I see it, is that he sees Tessa's potential but worries about Bevin's fire burning out. This week's Bachelor strategy is sponsored by match.com.

1:17 - Tessa has Andy over in her hotel room for an evening of shrimp cocktail, rum and cokes, and champagne. Strangely enough, that's what I have every time I watch this show.

1:21 - Tessa tells Andy she's falling in love with him ("I frickin' love you" is always the best way to say I love you the first time). He says it but not with the same conviction as with Bevin. Too little too late Tessa.

1:29 - Its the big day and Andy, stressed out about his decision says, "I could propose to two women today." Only if you lived in Utah Andy! He must have watched too many episodes of "Big Love".

1:35 - The final day montage is over mercifully over. I'm going to stick with my pre-show prediction, its got to be Bevin. Tessa made a late run to make things interesting but when it comes down to it, I bet it wasn't as close as those clever ABC editors are making it look. Bevin it is, or I'll give you your money back.

1:40 - Uh, oh. Bevin comes out first, this doesn't look good.

1:42 - A very awkward and painful-to-watch rejection from Andy. I'm stunned. He keeps telling her all these things that are a complete contradiction to what he's doing. Andy's going with the safer bet. His conservative nature is what's driving him to Tessa. I can't believe it - from what I've seen it makes absolutely no sense.

1:46 - I feel horrible for Bevin as she's driving away. She didn't see it coming and was completely blindsided. This is the worst part of the show, watching someone who's emotionally committed in the final two get kicked in the stomach. Yuck.

1:52 - Tessa's about to get the final rose but after the Bevin breakdown, its incredibly anti-climatic. Neither Tessa or Andy show any real emotion. Tessa doesn't even cry when Andy proposes, what kind of crap is that?!? Maybe he did picked the right one, because neither one of them seem all that excited about all of this.

1:56 - The sun sets, Andy and Tessa smooch and the damn "Officer and a Gentleman" plays yet again. I'm now projectile vomiting all over my television set.

Wow...wow, what a disappointment. The creative editing on this season screwed viewers over because it sure looked live Bevin should have been the choice. What didn't they show us? Was reserved Andy turned off by Bevin's passion? Was Bevin's divorce a deal breaker? I just don't get it. Seeing Tessa and Andy together does make sense because they are both conservative, quiet types.

Maybe Bevin's wild past was more disturbing for Andy than we realized. I'm confused. I'm grasping at straws here.

Hopefully tomorrow's "After the rose ceremony" show will shed a little more light on things but for right now, I'm Bachelored out.