Sunday, March 05, 2006

Oscars liveblog

Welcome to the official, 1/78th annual Gazette liveblog of the Academy Awards. Remember, it's a honor just to be blogged about.

In the intro, it’s all movie scenes except for Clint Eastwood chilling in a polo shirt. Wassup witdat?

Good gag with the host intros. Got the first Brokeback joke out of the way right off the bat.

So to start the running total, Brokeback jokes 1.

And George Clooney is so cool, he's even cool in bed with Jon Stewart.

Some people said Stewart wouldn’t get the whole vibe of the Oscars. That it’s supposed to be a homecoming, a family reunion. Right off the bat, I’d say he gets that better than anyone in years.

Capote is the film that broke stereotypes. Not all gay people are virile cowboys. Some are effete New York intellectuals.

Brokeback jokes - 2

"The elephant in the room, the movie that everybody was talking about this year, "Brokeback Mountain."
There were a lot of gay themes this year, the boxing movie was called "Cinderella Man."

Brokeback jokes -3, 4 with the Western montage. By the way, Google "Brokeback to the Future," if you haven't seen it yet. "The Empire Strikes Brokeback" is good, too.

Does Nicole Kidman age? I mean good God, look at her. That's amazing.

Supporting actor: George Clooney- "Alright, so I'm not winning director." Great line. Great, feel good Hollywood speech. "I'm proud to be out of touch." -- Conservative pundits should have fun with that tomorrow.

Ooh, it's visual effects. The Oscar for movies people have actually seen. Funny Ben Stiller intro with him in a green suit emphatically not doing a green screen shot. It occurrs to me, watching the clips, that special effects are overwhelmingly used to create violence. Talk amongst yourselves. Oh, King Kong wins. Nice of the special effects guys to give props to Andy Serkis, the guy behind the monkey.

Animated feature. "Howl's Moving Castle" better win. Mizyaki is a freekin' genius. "Wallace and Gromit" wins though. If you haven't seen the original "Wallace" shorts, go rent them. They're actually better than the feature film. The guys also brought leeeetle tiny ties for their Oscars. Got to love people who bring their own props.

First song. And what the hey is Naomi Watts wearing? Dolly Parton is starting to look a little like Cher. Hmmm.
I just noticed Jen is posting in comments. Maybe I'll slow down so she can get a word in edgewise.

Jen -- "I was a little surprised by the george clooney win. thought paul giamatti would win to kiss and make up for last year's "sideways" loss.ben stiller making me laugh with the "this is blowing spielberg's mind."

"Okay, what's with all the women in their pale, white dresses? they're pretty and all, but not standing out much to me. we need some color, girls! and dolly parton! rock on sister."

Live action short - Six Shooter.

Jen - "Love the Wilson brothers."

Animated short - "The Moon and the Sun."

Jen - "Cartoon characters giving awards don't amuse me. Bathroom break time for the stars!!! Let's see a shot of the audience right about now."

Costume design - Could Jennifer Aniston sound less excited to be here? "Memoirs of a Geisha" wins. After Reese Witherspoon winning best actress, least surprising win of the night.

Jen- "Oooh, I'm kind of enjoying Jennifer Aniston's necklace. Though the hair? Not so much. Where's the Pitt/Jolie shot?"

Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell, probably funny in their sleep.

Make-up - "Chronicles of Narnia's" first win. It'll be interesting to see how many of the technical awards that one racks up.

Jen: Did I miss why Will Ferrel's face is orange? Spray tan debacle perhaps?

Keep up with us here Jen. No bathroom breaks for you.

Technical awards - OK, now you can take that bathroom break, Jen.
Presented by Rachel McAdams. Or, as Stewart said, "The very clothed Rachel McAdams."

Is Morgan Freeman so cool he doesn't have to wear a tie? I say no. Samuel L. Jackson, yes, Morgan Freeman, Jamie Foxx, no.

Jen: Ah, the cheap shot at Russell Crowe. Had to happen at some point, right?

Jen: I don't mean to be Negative Nelly, but what's with Rachel McAdams' dress? The color totally is clashing with her hair.

Supporting actress - Love Francis McDormand, don't love her picking her nose. Rachel Weisz wins. How'd she get ignored for "The Mummy"? That movie was pure gold. First word out of her mouth, I could've sworn she was going to ramble. But no.

Jen: Rachel Weisz wins. Totally expected. She looks fabulous! Me likey her dress and her hair and her accent.

Jen: Okay, what is Lauren Bacall talking about? Did the prompter go on the fritz or what?

Stephen Colbert guest voice overs. Awesome! "Acting while beautiful!" Good stuff. Rest of the bit, not so much.
Documentary short subject - Hey, I've actually seen "God Sleeps in Rwanda." Go figure that. "A Note of Triumph" wins, though. Got to be the best thank you of the night, though: "I'd like to thank the Academy for seating me next to George Clooney at the nominees luncheon." I have no idea who she is, unfortunately.

Jen: wish I had heard of any of these movies, terrence howard. wine break!!!!

Jen: wish I had heard of any of these movies, terrence howard. wine break!!!!

Jen: Charlize!!! WHAT is on your left shoulder?? bjork called. she wants her swan back.

Best documentary - I've seen "March of the Penguins," too. I must be like a cinemaphile or something. "Penguins" winning is right up there with Witherspoon.
"Eet means dank you in penguin." For those who don't know, the original French version of "Penguins" featured talking penguins and a techno score. Take a moment right now to thank Morgan Freeman for narrating the American version.

Jen: AWWWW!!! stuffed penguin dolls! how cute is that? and penguin speak? I love men who aren't afraid to speak softly and carry a stuffed animal. yay luc and yves!

Jen: Why oh why is jennifer lopez a presenter? and where's her scary skeletor hubby? Who's her hubby? I cannot keep up with this stuff. I'm still stuck on Bennifer and Bradgelina.

Jen: Andy, you need to keep up with your celebrity hook-ups and mangled relationships. come on, man.

Hate the song, love the burning car on the stage. Usually, you have to drive all the way to Compton to see that.

Jen: is this like performance art or something? I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Jen: oh my god! the stage is on fire! run for the exits celebrities!

How long have we gone without a Brokeback joke now? I'm feeling deprived.

Art direction - Is this a real category? Is this like cinematography or something? Gee, wonder why Keanu isn't doing any of the talking. Oh yeah, he has the personality of a post. "Geisha" wins. Don't care.

Jen: I'm lobbying right now for a new Keanu Reeves movie. I forgot that Keanu and Sandra were in Speed way back in the day. they have zero chemistry on stage. did keanu also get attacked in a spray tan booth or what?

He jumped in with Will Ferrell.

See? Samuel L. Jackson is so cool, he knows how cool it is to wear a tie. He can even wear a button-down collar and make it look dressy.

Ugh, they've got the president of the Academy on. My attention is so flagging. If I didn't have to crank out a 20-inch story about the show, I'd be making a two-fisted beer run right about now. He's talking about how great it is to see a movie in the theater. I guess he wasn't at the same "March of the Penguins" screening as me, with the 200 screaming children.

Jen: who here knows who this sid the president guy is? who here cares? okay, self-congratulatory hollywood, let's do a real award okay? getting a little bored here.

Jen: hey, sid sounds worried about the noted decrease in people actually going to movies. there goes his 50 billion paycheck. poor guy.

Salma Hayek. Once again, proof positive of a beneficent diety. They should give her an honorary Academy Award for lifetime achievement in hotness.

Jen: Okay! now we're talking. salma hayek's dress is beautiful! love the color, love the hair! go frida!

Original score - Brokeback.

Jen: ha ha, andy. Lifetime achievement in hotness. you funny!

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

So it's "Jake Jillenhall, not "Jake Gillenhall"? Glad we cleared that up. Might want to practice that speech a little next time, buddy.

Jen: I love jake and his cute crooked bowtie.

Jen: I have no idea what this 43,879th montage of films is supposed to represent. could they fill any more time?

Jen: perhaps another lifetime achievement award for hotness for jessica alba, andy? she deserves it, too.

No way. Salma would never forgive me if I were untrue. Going totally stalker now...

Sound - King Kong.

Jen: LOVE that jon stewart is on the same page as me re: film montages.

Jen: Meryl's dress is beautiful. can I please look like her in my 50s? thanks. but this little comedic bit is getting oooooold wrap it up, ladies

Ooh more clips! Yay. I thought Robert Altman got the lifetime achievement award like 20 years ago.

Jen: is altman making any new movies right now? from those clips, I might want to rent nashville. looks intriguing. awww... I think I like this guy. heart transplant? who knew?!

Jen: That M. Night Shamalamadingdong commercial was da bomb! loved it.

"Ladies and gentlemen, our next presenter is a very, very famous performer. You don't know him." Love that.

"It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" starts off right, with a bleeped word.

And then it goes out and wins! Great moment. Maybe the first really surprising moment of the night.

Jen: The use of the word "pimp" in this year's Oscars has to be some sort of record.

Jen: Pimps are the new black, don't you know. get with the times, andy, you big pimpdaddy.

Sound editing - Didn't we already give out this award? Could have sworn...

Jen: oh jennifer garner! she's gonna be living that down all night long. she recovered graciously, though.

It's always sad when there's just this tepid, perfunctory applause in the "In Memoriam" section. Even Anne Bancroft and Richard Pryor couldn't get the crowd to generate a little enthusiasm for the dearly departed.

Jen: Totally. It's always disturbing to me when some dead people get more applause than others. even in the afterlife, it's a popularity contest.

Foreign language film - Tsotsi. That South Africa director is pushy man! Take a deep breadth dude.

Ziyi Zhang is giving Salma a run for her money tonight. She's sort of, what's the word? Luminous. I just missed the category she was presenting. Oh, editing. Crash's first award of the night, if I'm not mistaken.

Jen: this geisha girl's dress is sparkly and pretty. nicely played, girl whose name I don't know.

Jen: I must say, I am enjoying the jon stewart hosting this year.

Jen: Hi Hilary. The women in Hollywood are thankful you didn't make a movie this year.

Best actor. We're finally down to the good stuff. Hoffman wins. No shocker, he was the one who was due this year. I feel a little bit bad for Terrence Howard, but the sleeper wasn't going to happen this year. Really disjointed speech -- complete with Van Morrison reference and rambling tribute to mom.

Jen: no shock. forgot he was in one of my favs - "boogie nights." he's come quite a way, eh? I love him, he's always amazing in every role, no matter how big or small. totally deserves this.

Cinematography - Geisha again. It's really the surprise winner of the night. I think that's its fourth?

Best actress - Witherspoon. In other news, the sun rose this morning and you've got taxes due in another month.

Jen: And best actress is........ Reese! as predicted. she doesn't look shocked either. give us a memorable speech, girl. you've had plenty of time to perfect it. enough with the "I'm just a down home girl from tennessee." is joaquin bitter, do you think? yay, she thanked june carter cash and her leading man. good for her. uh oh, don't pull a hilary swank and forget the hubby. okay, good, she got him in. oh, this is a good speech. good job, reese!

p.s. felicity huffman looked bee-yooo-tee-full just sitting in her seat next to awesome hubby william h. macy.

Why are the winners of the two biggest acting awards giving the worst speeches of the night? Couldn't find a writer for the night?

Jen: Hey, I liked her speech, wineke! and I'm also liking hoffman here.

Best adapted screenplay - Hoffman rambles about "Great work, people who didn't win." Focus man! "Brokeback" wins. Yawn.

Jen: Okay, so Larry McMurtry thanked his typewriter at the golden globes. this time he thanked his lawyers. whatevs.

Jen: and another bland whitish dress worn by uma. do love her hair and makeup, though. I'm thinking "brokeback" for best picture. anybody else?

Original screenplay - Crash.

Directing - Finally! Crash or Brokeback? This is one of the few that is really up in the air.

Jen: Tom Hanks looks old and angry to me. Brokeback Mountain is taking it home tonight. Go Ang! He's such a cutie patootie.

Ang Lee wins it. "I wish I knew how to quit you." Not as bad as James Cameron's "I'm the King of the World," but darn close. The speech is a little too practiced, Ang.

Best picture. Wow are they whipping though these things tonight. Crash pulls this one out.

Jen: Wow!!!!!! Total shock!!!!!! I really thought jack nicholson was going to say Just Kidding, Brokeback Mountain!

Jen: and amazingly it's only 9:30 and it's alll over but the crying.

There we are. Thanks for playing along and reading this behemoth post. Catch up with other thoughts tomorrow.

Jen: good job, andykins. good night and good luck....

16 Comments:

At 5:15 PM, March 05, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah Oh... too many Brokeback jokes to count now... :-)

 
At 5:20 PM, March 05, 2006, Blogger -Don- said...

I think Nicole makes balances all of the Brokeback jokes.

 
At 5:32 PM, March 05, 2006, Blogger jen said...

i was a little surprised by the george clooney win. thought paul giamatti would win to kiss and make up for last year's "sideways" loss.

ben stiller making me laugh with the "this is blowing spielberg's mind."

 
At 5:36 PM, March 05, 2006, Blogger jen said...

okay, what's with all the women in their pale, white dresses? they're pretty and all, but not standing out much to me. we need some color, girls! and dolly parton! rock on sister.

 
At 6:10 PM, March 05, 2006, Blogger Warren Epstein said...

Not that I'm counting, but I think I'm ahead on my picks. Andy, did you post your picks somewhere?

 
At 6:14 PM, March 05, 2006, Blogger AndyW said...

Making Oscar picks would require me to abandon my beloved television for an evening. I'll wait until they're all out on DVD and then make picks.

 
At 6:20 PM, March 05, 2006, Blogger Warren Epstein said...

After those supporting-actress faux commercials, I've lost my nostalgia for the Billy Crystal days. That was freakin' hilarious!

 
At 7:16 PM, March 05, 2006, Anonymous Warren said...

Did Altman say he had another 40 years in him ... or did he just use those up on his acceptance speech?

 
At 7:18 PM, March 05, 2006, Anonymous warren said...

So, jen, who are you thinking of for best dress?

 
At 7:20 PM, March 05, 2006, Blogger jen said...

right now, i'm liking selma hayek's blue dress. she looked great.

 
At 7:36 PM, March 05, 2006, Anonymous warren said...

OK, maybe this isn't very PC. But can we start limiting the memorial tributes to only the people we care about? When the key grip on a made-for-TV movie gets his moment here, I think we've gone too far.

 
At 7:44 PM, March 05, 2006, Anonymous warren said...

We have a new contender for best dressed, jen.

 
At 7:45 PM, March 05, 2006, Anonymous warren said...

Ziyi Zhang

 
At 7:48 PM, March 05, 2006, Blogger jen said...

definitely. she looked fabulous!

 
At 7:51 PM, March 05, 2006, Anonymous Warren said...

Did Hoffman just forget to thank Capote?

 
At 7:53 PM, March 05, 2006, Blogger jen said...

ooh. good catch, warren.

 

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