Your weekly Bachelor fix

Gazette "Bachelor" reporter Terry Terrones reports in with the latest from Lovesville: Population 16:

Before I get started, I’d like to apologize for writing this post a day late. I was still trying to get over Bobby Bacala kicking Tony Soprano’s ass. And while we’re on the topic of “The Sopranos”, I have to agree with Andy, I think Carmela is going to kill Tony [editor's note: When did I say this?].

This leads to the next most important question about how this show will end – who’s going to kill AJ? Please tell me David Chase made him the most annoying kid on television since Cousin Oliver just so the audience could have the pleasure of seeing him get whacked by an insane Paulie Walnuts acting out a scene from “Cleaver.” This has to be in the final show.

Alright, lets get on with this weeks running diary of “The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentlemen” before I start ranting about Ari being emasculated by the scriptwriters on my favorite show, “Entourage.”

:02 – Beautiful shots of smoggy, traffic congested Los Angeles. I love LA! This intro was obviously not approved by the California tourism board.

:04 – Stephanie T. gets the first individual date and is visually stabbed in her fake boobs by every other girl in the room. There’s a situation like this on every season of “The Bachelor.” Hunky bachelor can’t see woman for what she really is, other women talk bad about her, tear filled I-don’t-understand-why-everyone-hates-me-I-think-they’re-just-jealous speech to bachelor allows annoying woman make it to the final two, only to loose out to saccharine sweet school teacher who bachelor breaks up with 2 weeks after the last show airs. I’ve seen it all before.

:06 – Drunken bull riding on the first group date. Move along now, no sexual overtones here.

:11 – 100th shot in two episodes of Andy’s Opie Cunningham/Howdy Doody smile as women hang out at the top of a building at night. Of course, the theme from “An Officer and a Gentleman” is playing in the background. I start belting out my best Joe Cocker impression. The wife is not amused.

:15 – Bevin’s about to meltdown if she doesn’t get any time with Andy. She’s only 28 but she’s feeling her age around these early twenty-somethings. Hopefully she won’t go off about how she’s running out of time for having a baby like a contestant from the last season did.

:20 – Andy’s two looks – goofy grin and raised eyebrows with wrinkly forehead. The ladies love it!

:24 – One-on-one time with Tiffany who’s playing the quiet, mysterious girl card. It backfires and leads to some boring, awkward conversation. Bye Tiffany!

:29 – Hey! Let's drink mimosas and eat before we work out! That won’t make anyone puke.

:32 – Hef’s girlfriends (Erin and Susan, on loan from the Playboy Mansion) have to talk to Andy together, they can’t do it by themselves because they’re too shy. Welcome to middle school!

:38 – Time for a mini-triathalon as Andy gets into military mode. How bad do you want a rose! How bad do you want quality time with me?!? You will impress me by swimming in this hotel pool, riding this exercise bike and running some laps! If you ain’t first you’re last! Oooaaah! Surprisingly, no one vomits.

:43 – Stephanie T. will be wearing a hand towel on her date with Andy and we hear the first of many “Those other girls are just jealous” lines from her. Meow!

:48 – I just threw up in my mouth a little during the requisite “Titanic” bit during Steph and Andy’s first date on “his” yacht. How do I get this taste out of my mouth?

:50 – My psychic powers prevail once more as Steph talks to Andy about the other women being jealous of her. Meanwhile at the mansion, all of the other women are (surprise!) bad mouthing her. If you want your future told, call me, I’m more accurate than Ms. Cleo and only charge $9.99/hour.

:52 – Stephanie T. gets a rose and I’m not surprised. How is Andy not going to give her one after seeing her in that bikini right before she got in the hot tub. He had to avert his eyes - she was so hot his eyes were burning!

:53 – 1:15 – Long montage of a cocktail party before the rose ceremony where we learn the following: Alexis is probably a virgin (which could be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on what kind of guy Andy is), Tessa has gross feet and is not sure why she’s here, Tina is insecure, Erin’s fake boobs are too big and off-center, Susan is so reliant on other people she probably couldn’t even go to the bathroom by herself, Danielle isn’t over the death of her boyfriend, Nicole has no eyebrows, Tiffany isn’t outgoing enough and Bevin is cracking like Jake Plummer in the fourth quarter. Can we start over?

1:21 – Rose ceremony time. Or as we call it at my house – Chris Harrison time! My prediction is that Tiffany, Tina and Susan are toast.

1:25 – Okay, I was close. Tiffany, Susan and Alexis are gone. Maybe Alexis should have mentioned that virgin thing.

Another “Bachelor” is over, what have we learned? My frontrunner, Bevin, had a horrible week. I don’t see her getting over her insecurities about her age or being in a competition with other women for one guy. But can you blame her? After learning all the weaknesses of the women left, what quality candidates are left?

Let's check out the new “Bachelor” Top 5 Frontrunners List:

Stephanie T. – Despite the Mariah Carey eyebrows and goat-like laugh, she’s a no brainer here. She seems to have Andy wrapped around her finger.
Amber – Teachers always go far on this show.
PeyTON – Seems very down to earth and laid back
Bevin – Providing she just relaxes and does her thing
Nicole – Despite the lack of eyebrows she’s fun and easy going

Thanks for that insightful report, Terry. Next time, send pictures of the bikinis.